Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Elation and Heartbreak, or, A Typical October Week

Note:  I began this post in early November, but was unable to finish it until now.

Apparently, I am only capable of getting pregnant in the month of September.  Jacob, my nine year old, was concieved in September 2001.  In September 2010, my husband and I found out we were expecting our second child.On October 28, 2010, we went in for our first doctor's appointment, and found out that the pregnany had failed due to a blighted ovum.  We were completely devastated.  A year passed, and in early October 2011, we found out about pregnancy number 3.  Obviously, I was concerned, and the doctor ordered bloodwork to check my hcg levels every 48 hours.  The first two were doubling as was expected, and as is good, but the third had dropped.  The next day, the spotting began.  A fourth blood sample revealed even lower hcg levels.  This time, it was a chemical pregnancy.  Call it what you will, it just plain sucks. 

Some will insist that it was so early both times, neither pregnancy "counts" because a baby had not yet developed, and no heartbeat was heard.  This people can kiss my grits.   Both pregnancies, to me, were real.  They counted.  Yes, I am grieving.  Yes, I am angry at the world right now.  Yes, I continue to count my blessings, and am grateful for the child I do have.  But it is so unfair!  I really think I would rather be unable to concieve, than to be able to concieve, but not carry a viable pregnancy to term.

My husband and I had already discussed, after the first miscarriage, that if it happened again, we would look into adoption.  We have pretty much decided on domestic adoption through an agency.  We have talked to DFS about adopting through the foster care system, and possibly adopting an older child, but were told that with foster care, reuinification with the birth family is the ultimate goal (obviously, under certain circumstances, it isn't), and that we could have a child with us for a year or longer, then have that child retuned to the birth family.  For that reason, we decided to use an adoption agency and try for a newborn.

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